Friday, March 14, 2008

Weekly Giftbasket: Dance Fever Edition

This week's distract-a-basket contains intentional juxtaposition: a dancing walrus, an 80 year-old stripper, and a combination of those elements as Last Night's Karaoke.

1. For the Kids

2. For the Ladies

3. For the Shame of my Eventual Grandchildren

*please note the terrorized voice at video's end pleading "stop this!"

4. What That Was
Supposed to Look Like

*a white jumpsuit would have helped my performance, obviously.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008


A blog is a good enough excuse to track down your high school boyfriend, engage in some catch-up, and then pose the burning question.

BJH and I went out during our senior year. This "going" was conducted primarily on the phone, although I do recall one driveway makeout session with Elton John playing on the car stereo.

As blissful as that might sound, BJH was less content with our direction. He ended things after a few short weeks, I suspect because of these pants* =>

A high waist, double rolls, and one very hot pocket - my jeans must have... intimidated him.

In any case, it wasn't fashion that we discussed after fifteen years. It was the dog.

Specifically, the burning dog. The burning dog and erect penis.

"BJ," I asked. "What up with that?" The people need to know.

And now BJ, bless his H, hath responded:

In many cultures the artistic representation of the erect penis, also known as a phallus, represents power, wealth, and good health. The concept of the phallus is often connected with being the ultimate man, and possessing said phallus is compared to having the divine gift of God.

The dog has long been known as "Man's Best Friend," and symbolically represents undying love and loyalty. The union of starving dog and phallus under fire represents teenage misanthropic angst in conjunction with an overwhelming desire to deconstruct the norms of an impersonal, omnipotent society bereft of love.

Either that or BJH thought it was funny and cool. BJH can't remember exactly.
So there you have it, Commenter #8 - a fine answer from BJH. But while we have him on the line... are there any other questions for high school boyfriend?

* 'pants' in the American sense.

Friday, March 07, 2008

My Roots are Showing

Facebook, that beautiful timesuck, seems to have developed a new application. It's called "Find Your High School Friends & Freak Them Out."

This has been happening a lot recently. The most recent high school alum to find me was - whew! - someone I actually liked.

More often, it's an unfamiliar name along with a message that offers no clues - "Hey there! What have you been up to??"

All this has led me to unearth The Yearbook.

It'd been a long time since I'd cracked this open, and I'd forgotten about the hair. I dare say, my high school companions may have had the Best Bangs of All Time.

I'm from Kansas, you see. And this is how we roll:

I'd like to claim that I was too cool for this trend, but the evidence shows otherwise:

Bonus points if you can name that grape-scented hair product in the corner.

DOUBLE bonus if you still own a pair of white shorts.

Anyway, the best part of unearthing The Yearbook has been re-reading the old signatures. From one classmate:

Good luck at Gay-U [KU], you pinko-commie baby-killin' fag-lovin' tree-huggin' Hillary worshippin' media mackin' flower-powerin' band wagon jumpin' U2 lovin' feminazi left wing LIBERAL!!! Call me this summer. We'll PARTY!!!
Did she have my number, or what?

The boy I was crazy about - the one who took me to Homecoming and then dumped my ass - brought my yearbook home one night in order to write something special. The next morning at school he delivered this:

You can see why I adored him.

The best, though, are the banalities. While I seem to remember a lot of hanging out in the Taco Bell parking lot, everyone else says we partied hard and had a total blast (!!!).

It must be true.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Weekly Giftbasket: Rap Lobster Edition

These are the critical bits that found their way across the wires this week. I offer them up for your Thursday amusement knowing that, basically, you've stopped working by this point.

1. Cookin with Coolio

With a black toque topping his famous twisted braids, this "ghetto witchdoctor superstar chef" implores you to "get your ass into that kitchen, baby."

No ordinary Food Network nonsense, this is raunch-flavored 2.0 at its best. Cookin with Coolio is shown only on the internet, and viewers are encouraged to "Live the Dream, Win a Pepper" by posting their video responses. Jenni Powell did, and her winning video earned this comment from Coolio:

"He seemed like one of those salad eatin' bitches so she made him a Coolio Caprese salad. It worked out, because Jenni got his panties off..."
The promo can be seen right here:

2. Nuestro Gran Amigo

After watching this video, I for uno don't understand how Obama did not kill the popular vote in Texas.

Familias unidas, seguras y hasta con plan de saluuuud!!

Stephen Malkmus is Still Damn Hot

Here's a little trinket for those of you who, like me, wore the tape out of your Crooked Rain cassette back in '94:

He can hit my plane down anytime...

4. And for the 9 People Who Have not Already Seen This...
"Who would have guessed that when you remove Garfield from the Garfield comic strips, the result is an even better comic about schizophrenia, bipolor disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life?"

I read every one of those books as a child. Does that explain anything?

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Tecktonik Teaser

I've just finished a new article for Gridskipper called Dancing French Electro-Mimes Battle in the Streets. It's not edited yet, but I had so much fun with the research that I wanted to share some videos with you. The full post with my analysis should be up on the site in a few days.

In the meantime, I offer a Tecktonik Teaser - a look at three rising stars from this French dance phenomenon. My favorite of these videos is the last for Lili Azian. Director Ristourne has made scores of these self-promos, and his moves seem to come straight out of the Tiffany video playbook. I've already watched it fourteen times...

This is the stuff that cult films are made of: A suburban teen named Jey-Jey films himself dancing in the garage. His DIY vid sweeps the internet and is ultimately seen by more than 4 million viewers. Jey-Jey becomes the face of Tecktonik and has packs of girls trying to get into his white jeans.

Another brand name is Treaxy, the dance champion picked to perform in this video for Yelle. He's now teaching Tecktonik in a chain of fitness centers.

One of the few female icons in the Tecktonik scene, Lily Azian has made a name for herself by dancing only in high heels. The shoes play a starring role in this self-promotion video, as does her azian heritage. Behold as Lili keeps it real by dancing Tecktonik with a bowl of shrimp chips!

P.S. Can I get one of these Ristourne masterpieces made? I think a soft focus video calling card would be the perfect birthday gift. Spice up my Myspace and all that...

P.P.S The article has now been published over at Gridskipper. Run-run-run to see footage of raging street battles, the Tecktonik Body Killer hair salon, and the trend's frightening cross over among US teens.