Monday, November 06, 2006

Vaginas and vernissages

Everyone has one true specialty in life. Mine is the vagina.


Measuring the number of vaginas in Europe and the relative health and happiness of their owners – this is what I do for a living. I went to grad school in "vagina." I have been known to make vulva-themed food for parties. I sing a song from time to time called Cooter Boogie.


In the States, this was a big hit. So imagine my surprise upon learning that such frivolity is not appreciated in France! It doesn't matter that I've mastered the new vocabulary and translated the Boogie's (many) lyrics. Talking crotch at a French dinner party is a definite non-non.


The French, as I have deduced from 26 months of careful observation, prefer to talk about "culture." Sigh...


Because I cannot beat them, I have decided to join them. I shall cleanse my filthy mouth and learn to pepper my speech with words like vernissage - which almost sounds gynecological.


You may be wondering how exactly I plan to pull this off. In fact, dear reader, it's quite easy. You need only a child-like sense of curiosity, access to the internet, and abundant coffee. A total lack of shame helps, too.


Just last week, for example, I attended two concerts, five expos, one play, a lit-mag launch, an I V Y event, and a Parisist gathering. I chatted up a sculptor, a comp lit dude, even an actors' boyfriend. Distracted by their own plastic cups, they barely noticed as I spun my web of inanity and pried the info from their arty little brains.


For your benefit, I should add.


In addition to the aforementioned mission (being a better dinner guest), I will soon be transmitting my findings via Expatica, a website for anglophone expats in France. They've asked me to compile their What's On calendar of events - covering music, exhibitions, theater & dance, and festivals. My first submission will be up next Monday, November 13.


To effectuate my transformation into Hack of All Trades, I welcome your suggestions. There may come a time when my knowledge of classical music exceeds that of the cervix. Until that day arrives, I could use a Henry Higgins or ten.

13 comments:

Tin Foiled said...

I heard about the IVY event! Sounded interesting, I'll have to make sure I get my name in early next time...

I think I need to hear the Cooter Boogie.

Dave said...

Thank you for the good laugh--Dave

maitresse said...

you just tell me this afternoon that you're not a girl and now you're a walking, talking vagina?

ok, I know, judith butler would have a conniption if she read that statement, what with its easy equation of vagina with girl. Call me a bad gender critic but the two are generally found to coincide...

petite said...

Hmm. I'm not sure you should be allowed to chat up all these arty people when you are not on the market, missy. Perhaps we could come to some sort of arrangement where you give out my number?

Anonymous said...

i feel like we have reached a new low here. when all else fails, "talk crotch"--c'est ca? and i don't know what americans you are hanging with, but if the standard is the ability to talk about vaginas at the dinner table, then, well, need i say more. bring back the funny stuff girl!

le Meg said...

Stop trying to provoke me, andy.

Feral Mom said...

What's funnier than a crotch?

whatsupneighbor said...

andy didn't write that. honest.

La Page said...

Lol this post cracks me up. I vote for an audioblog of "Cooter Boogie".
Looking forward to your first What's On column...

rhino75 said...

For me, it's the photo that makes this post - WHERE did you find it??

Adrian said...

thought you weren't into Bush....

someone say something about giving out numbers?...

Damian said...

I bet you can't wait for The Vagina Monologues to hit Paris - you will have gone full-circle.

(Of course if TVM has already hit Paris, you may have misconstrued the signals. There may be no Parisian qualms about discussing vaginae. They may have thought your cultural references were a little out of date.)

Petfroggy said...

well, what about a girl who's the victim of her vagina?

Question to Mr Freud!

it seems that Paris get craziness to everyone this days!