Tuesday, August 21, 2007

The Swing Set

I have just returned from a vacation in the Loire and will soon tell you all about it.

But first, and more importantly, I must tell you about the Sex Clubs.

, you see, offers a bonus each month for the correspondant who draws the most readers. Being competitive by nature and poor by tax bill, I am going for the throat and compiling a list of clubs échangistes.

This endeavor means that I've been rolling around for hours in the webworld of the swinger. And let me tell you, it is...hysterical.

This post shall not knock or otherwise comment on the practice of having sex with strangers. What I would like to share is this collection of absurdity that I discovered during the course of my research.

Five Reasons Why Sex Clubs Are Hilarious

1) Soundtracks!
Le Quai 17 website provides a continuous stream of music, presumably the sort of sounds one might encounter at the club. I tuned into "Radio Libertine" and laughed to the point of tears when I heard 4 Non Blondes bleating out the chorus of "What's Up." This was followed by (what else?) "Boys Don't Cry."

Don't get me wrong, I'm really quite fond of both these songs. But I could not be expected, while balancing in heels at some quai-side swapmeet, to keep a straight face while Linda sang about her great big hill of hope.

2) Message Boards!
The very same cyber-wizards at le Quai 17 have also introduced the message board, allowing users to publicly register for soirées and chat with eachother in advance. In this way, "cplbi3446" (at left) and "Michelx74" can break the ice a bit before meeting at Thursday's Gang Bang Buffet.

and speaking of...

3) Buffets!
Nearly all the clubs offer a buffet or some other form of pre-game dinner. I'm trying hard to imagine (and help me out here if you know) what on earth is the etiquette for warm-up supping? Does a lady retain her skirt while tossing back her plate of moules? Does she chit-chat with the man in the mask about the delicious moelleux? I think Buñuel may have made a film about this...

4) Special Nights!
This city's love for theme-parties knows no bounds. In the most remote backrooms and cuddle corners, one can still find people dressed for "Carnival." Le Nautilus, for example, recently hosted a "Las Vegas-style Casino Night" complete with blackjack, poker, and prizes. Au Pluriel will soon be celebrating its anniversary with "surprises, gifts, and onion soup." I might mistake this for the local Rotary Club if I didn't know about the Saint-André cross in their basement.

5) Mind-Blowing Translation!
There is so much to choose from, but here's my favorite from Le Nautilus:
This club is appreciated by loose couples which appreciate to meet themselves in a felted frame, wish to make more ample knowledge with new couples which share certain art of living and to make the "holiday."
I will leave you now to reflect upon your readiness for the felted frame. This video from Stereo Total, to say nothing of Radio Libertine, should aid in your considerations...

Update: the article is now up (here) at Gridskipper. Needless to say, the onion soup is not mentioned...


anna said...

Rotary club! Genius!

I have to say though, Meg, that a cartoon - Stereo Total video clip version of you could possible look a little bit like the singer, no?

sgazzetti said...

If that video is representative of the felted frame, I have to say that I don't share that certain art of living and would not appreciate to meet myself in one.

Thanks for aiding me in making this more ample knowledge.

amy said...

Every single thing about this post was pure gold, but I think my favorite part is the bowl of onion soup. Just -- how spectacularly unsexy is that?

Sophie said...

didn't we have plans to go to one of these and point and watch? or was that with one of my other perverted friends?

Minter said...

Nothing was lost in translation at Le Nautilaus! I can just imagine the 'marketing' departments for these various places. Their marketing 'discussions' (providing they don't end in you know what) must be equally hilarious. "Ours has got to be more upscale, more suave... We only want the best..."

And good luck in getting the needed traffic.

Ms. Glaze said...

There's one of these swap-meet clubs just up the street from me. Shall we crash it?!?! I've been dying to see what it's like inside. Hilarious post!

Michael D said...

During my college year-abroad in France in 1993-94, they couldn't play 4 Non Blondes' "What's Up" enough. Everywhere I went, it was playing. The hoodlum walking through the neighborhood could be heard humming it. No escape from it.

So how utterly charming it would be to stroll into a swingers' club 14 years later and find it as part of the soundtrack to my carnal desires.

"What's goin' on? And I say hey, hey, hey, hey"

Braden said...

What would worry me about attending one of these sex clubs/swinger parties is that you show up expecting Eyes Wide Shut caliber and instead finding the people from your parent's book club or the Solomon bar mitzvah. I guess that's when you take one for the team, awkward!

Lola said...

Fabulous!! Going to a club echangiste was always on my wish list (just to watch, with my back glued up against the wall in fear, of course) when I was in Paris, now I can just live the experience vicariously through you, prawn cocktail, onion soup and all.
Braden - friends who I am amazed know these things tell me are different categories of club and the entrance fee is usually an indicator of the clientele a l'interieur... Then again that may be a one dimensional approach. You're always gonna get at least one good looking fetishist who gets a kick out of going downmarket...

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negrito said...

LOL.... something you did not mention : do they accept leather bears ????

The Late Bloomer said...

Oh Meg, oh Meg... You kill me! I remember reading a while back about how les boîtes d'échangistes had come back "into fashion" again in recent times, with some very chic locales in the city -- if I'm not mistaken, there might have even been an article in the NYT?! -- and then after changing jobs a couple years back I heard about how a small brasserie across the street from where I had worked had changed into a bar échangiste!! I couldn't believe it, but an old colleague of mine gave me the URL and I swear, there it was for the world to see: the former tiny dive of a bar had seriously transformed into a supposed sex haven.

Now I've seen everything, I swear... And as always, you keep us thoroughly "stimulated" and entertained!