Applause, please

I learned today while troweling the depths of Site Meter that I was selected as one of Expatica’s “Favorite France Blogs.” It just goes to show that blowing off work really does pay off.

In the spirit of “giving back,” I offer the following advice, gleaned over the course of seventeen posts, to young writers struggling to incorporate blogging into a well-rounded life:

#1: DO install and use a Site Meter. This will allow you to monitor site traffic and divine whether former boyfriends are reading your blog.

#2: DO pepper your text with sexual innuendo, especially when discussing local produce. This will yield a 50% increase in visitors who are key word searching for porn.

#3: DO NOT guilt-trip friends for not reading your blog. Track their behavior and punish them later.

#4: DO cease all external communication. Direct friends and family to the comments section of your blog.

#5: DO mistake traffic for accomplishment and link-adds for friendship. This will help to sustain the overblown ego required for your task.

#6: DO NOT listen when your techie friend tells you that 50% of visitors are in fact machines.

#7: DO spend all your money doing “cool” and “interesting” things that can be written about.

#8: DO delight your friends by constantly taking photos and using “blog” as a verb.

#9: DO NOT instruct your husband every midnight to “guess how many visits I had today!”

#10: DO get back to work, you f*!#ing slacker.